In an incident that almost certainly would have evaded his old Soccer Saturday colleague – and walking meme before memes were even a thing – Chris Kamara, former Sky Sports presenter Jeff Stelling returned to his car in Chesterfield last night only to find it stabbed and slashed by vandals.
Stelling, who was hosting an ‘Evening With’ event at the Derbyshire town’s Winding Wheel Theatre when his car was targeted, posted a now-deleted image of the damage on the social media platform formerly known as Twitter.
“Thanks Chesterfield. Anyone who knows the scumbags who did this to my car while I was trying to entertain people please let me know. What the f*** has happened to people,” the former Countdown presenter wrote, before adding that the incident had been reported to the police.
So, who could be responsible for such a heinous crime?
Well, according to Twitter’s well-trained army of sleuths, it was quite obviously the act of one specific type of person: A cyclist. Obviously.
And no, I’m not joking.
Looks like the pedal of a bike , the shape of it x
— Cat (@kittycat542) February 12, 2024
“Looks like the pedal of a bike, the shape of it,” the Columbo-esque Cat wrote, putting an end to Jeff’s search for the culprit in one fell tweet.
No that’s definitely Jeff’s car.
— Paul Cook (@runningpaul) February 12, 2024
Needless to say, Cat’s immediate jump to ‘Oh, it must have been a cyclist’ sparked some merriment – along with a touch of anger and confusion – among the bike riding sorts on the social media app.
“Was Boudica riding it?” asked Beatnik69, prompting me to imagine the ancient British queen leading out Lorena Wiebes during this year’s Tour de France Femmes.
“That makes sense, I use my pedals as can openers all the time since they’re so sharp and cut through metal so easily,” added jaj991, using the lesser known social media concept of irony to great effect.
“Several people have commented that having something so sharp close to my feet/legs isn't a good idea but I can’t see an issue.”
“To be fair, I did see Jeremy Vine around this area yesterday evening,” said Spencer.
— Master of Muppets (@master__muppets) February 12, 2024
Others were a touch blunter in their response to Cat’s conclusion.
“Are your bike pedals also knives? What f***ing pedals you using? It’s sliced through the car mate,” said Rhys.
“A bike pedal? Away and have a word with yourself,” wrote Carl, while Mark added: “If you think a bike pedal could rip a car door apart like that you’re insane.”
Unbelievable Jeff… Literally.
Just when we thought we were on the look out for a masked cyclist gleefully riding around the country, carving great chunks out of affably shouty sports presenter’s Range Rovers, Twitter user Glasgow Fietser helpfully deciphered Cat’s bike pedal suggestion:
You've misunderstood her post. When she said "Looks like the pedal of a bike, the shape of it" she obviously meant somebody had tried to carve themselves a new pedal from Jeff's car door. You're not really a cyclist until you've made your own pedals from recycled materials.
— Glasgow Fietser (@FietserGlasgow) February 12, 2024
Cracked it.
Is Milan-Sanremo set to become the new Paris-Roubaix? And I don’t mean that organisers RCS are going to start dropping massive cobblestones along the Ligurian coast to spice up those three or four hours when nothing much happens (but just imagine…).
No, just like Paris-Roubaix – which has rolled out from Compiègne, not the French capital, since 1977 – Milan-Sanremo’s name will be something of a misnomer for the second year running, with Pavia, some 45 kilometres south of Milan, set to host the start of La Primavera next month.
The move to Pavia comes after the 2023 edition started in the Milanese suburbs of Abbiategrasso, a result of RCS’s falling out with the city’s authorities after the Giro organisers struck a deal to end their grand tour further south in Rome, leading to an increased difficulty in obtaining race permits for road closures and police.
(Zac Williams/SWpix.com)
The Pavia start, while lacking the elegance of the Duomo-backed roll out of past Milan-Sanremos, also necessitates a brief flick east before rejoining the traditional route near Tortona for the long, gradual haul up the Passo del Turchino and the run to the coast. Despite this early diversion, the distance of cycling’s longest classic will now drop from 294km to 288km (which, you know, could make all the difference on the Poggio).
Anyway, the start may lack the familiarity of Primaveras of old, but I can guarantee now that the last half an hour will still be the most exciting of the entire season, regardless of where the neutralised zone takes place.
Forget the Giro’s Trofeo Senza Fine, the Clásica Jaén’s massive golden olive is where it’s at:
🫒 La aceituna de oro para el campeón de España.
👊🏻 @LazkanoOier
💚 #ClásicaJaénpic.twitter.com/XLO067I567
— Clásica Jaén Paraíso Interior (@ClasicaJaen) February 12, 2024
The rain and bad weather that swept across southern Spain in recent days may have ensured that, of the 62km of white, dusty, gravel roads planned for this year’s third edition of the Clásica Jaén, only 17 remained by the time the riders reached the start in Baeza.
But that pre-race numerical disappointment did little to detract from the thrilling racing on offer at this youngest but most rewarding one-day race, as Spanish champion Oier Lazkano outgunned and outsmarted Visma-Lease a Bike by powering to a popular home win from the morning breakaway.
😎 Cuando te das cuenta que te has llevado la aceituna de oro.
😄The champion's smile!💚 #ClásicaJaénpic.twitter.com/F4BoyocQ5Y
— Clásica Jaén Paraíso Interior (@ClasicaJaen) February 12, 2024
While Movistar hope Lazkano – who burst onto the scene last year with a string of impressive displays both at home and on the cobbles of northern Europe – certainly has the power to withstand Clásica Jaén’s Strade Bianche-style blend of rolling hills, steep pitches, and gravel roads, his case was certainly helped by the favourites’ dithering approach.
By the time Wout van Aert punctured his way out of contention just before the first sterrato section of the reconfigured day, the 24-year-old, along with the other remaining remnant of the morning breakaway, Decathlon AG2R’s Nicolas Prodhomme, was holding onto a lead of over three minutes.
Pressure from the Visma duo Sepp Kuss and Jan Tratnik saw that gap rapidly fall to a perilous 35 seconds during the last few gravel kickers, as Lazkano’s relentless forcing on the front almost opened the door for the smaller Prodhomme to punch through on a particularly steep rise.
💥 ¡Se marcha Lazkano en solitario en cabeza de carrera!
⚡️ Lazkano goes solo!⏱️41” sobre el pelotón
💚 #ClásicaJaénpic.twitter.com/rG1sPsGxrG
— Clásica Jaén Paraíso Interior (@ClasicaJaen) February 12, 2024
The diesel engine won out though, as Prodhomme, bullet fired, was forced to let his Spanish companion smoothly roll away as the road – if not the stones frequenting the muddiest of those sectors which survived last night’s cull – flattened.
Behind, a strong-looking Michał Kwiatkowski’s challenge was ended at the same as the gravel with a flat, while Kuss, Tratnik, and perennial gravel botherer Tim Wellens plugged on fruitlessly.
A laboured chase allowed Lazkano – the beneficiary of at least one patriotic push on the final climb – to savour his home win (albeit on the other side, geographically and politically, of Spain from his Basque birthplace), while Decathlon AG2R also earned their reward for a day of toil and attacking verve, 21-year-old Bastien Tronchon, the freeloader of the favourites’ group thanks to the presence of Prodhomme up ahead, outsprinting his more famous adversaries for second.
Boom! There it is, the Spanish Champion, Oier Lazkano wins Jaén Paraiso Interior after heroic solo ride! 🇪🇸#ClásicaJaénpic.twitter.com/H3fEjcVDuH
— Eemeli (@LosBrolin) February 12, 2024
And with Movistar once again the beneficiary of some long-range attacking, the scene may now be set for a season-long assault on the dominance of Visma, UAE, and the rest. Which, if today’s spectacle on the gravel is anything to go by, will work out just fine for us watching at home.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new president-elect of Finland, Alexander Stubb…
Alexander Stubb is the new President of 🇫🇮.
Triathlon Long Distance — 9:26:40 (2021, 6th in World Champs [50-54y])
🏊♂️ 1:07:20, 🚴♂️ 4:44:17 (37.99 Kph), 🏃♂️ 3:27:33Marathon — 3:08:13 (2015)
Stubb also enjoys watching procycling.
(📷 Facebook) pic.twitter.com/Dfnx2x6M93
— ammattipyöräily (@ammattipyoraily) February 11, 2024
The former Finnish prime minister isn’t just lightning quick either – he also rides a Bianchi, which means he’s extremely cool, naturally:
Out doing my favourite thing...which entails wearing pink and riding a celeste bike. @BianchiOfficial@EFprocycling Today I feel that #Fitfor55 is particularly cool. pic.twitter.com/la7VF3PDcG
— Alexander Stubb (@alexstubb) April 1, 2023
Prospective parliamentary candidates in my constituency, take note…
We may not even be halfway through February, but Visma-Lease a Bike – the true masters of the chaotic bike change – have submitted their first entry of 2024, after Wout van Aert punctured on the first gravel section of today’s truncated edition of Clásica Jaén.
And with the team car stranded behind on the gravel, Van Aert and teammate Per Strand Hagenes were forced into a spot of mechanic cosplay, carrying out an efficient if somewhat slow and convoluted (damn you disc brakes) rear wheel swap themselves:
As the favourites enter the second of the four gravel sections on the menu today at the ‘Spanish Strade Bianche’, Van Aert is currently stranded in a chasing group over a minute behind – and over four minutes adrift of the leading duo Nicolas Prodhomme and Oier Lazkano, who may be about to pull off a surprising coup on the dirt roads of southern Spain.
Pushing the limits on the slopes 😎
Take a behind the scenes look on the Dual Slalom races at the 2024 UCI Snow Bike World Championships in Châtel 🌈#Chatel2024pic.twitter.com/XndbI2Wqvy
— UCI MTB (@UCI_MTB) February 11, 2024
Did you catch any of the inaugural UCI Snow Bike World Championships, held this weekend on the wintery slopes of Châtel? Don’t worry, I had quite a bit on too.
(Although fair play to Ireland’s Henry Kerr for bagging silver in the Super G, the one event I did watch. Top stuff.)
Anyway, this fun and rather sketchy pursuit now appears to the latest vessel upon which the UCI hopes to sail to the Winter Olympics, after a few years pitching cyclocross – and its one elite level race on snow – to a somewhat indifferent IOC.
However, while ‘snow biking’ more closely resembles a true Winter Olympic sport than our favourite muddy, Belgian pastime, Het Nieuwsblad has reported that an expansion of the snow bike disciplines to include a lap-based circuit race (hmmm, what does that remind you of?) in the next few years may well mean that the likes of Tom Pidcock and Zoe Bäckstedt could be eyeing up a medal at the 2030 Winter Games.
Watch this very cold space…
🤌
Apoyar el ciclismo SI, pero no así. #TourColombia2024pic.twitter.com/kfgoxAGexV
— Daniel Noé Ramírez M (@dnramirezm) February 10, 2024
Ah, it warms the soul, it really does.
Concerning footage filmed at Sunday’s Portsdown Classic road race in Hampshire – the successor of the traditional season-opening Perfs Pedal National B race – showed the moment an impatient taxi driver apparently ignored marshals and drove onto the course, almost causing a collision with riders.
A source told road.cc the driver, seen in a car displaying taxi licence plates and Uber livery, “ignored the [motorcycle-riding] outrider” before “a car in the convoy stopped and made it clear that the race was approaching”. Despite this, moments later the driver was filmed pulling out onto the course, metres away from riders, the sound of disc brakes heard as a collision was fortunately avoided.
“No criticism of the organisers this was a really well-run event,” the spectator told road.cc. “Yes, the junction could have had a marshal, but if we need a marshal at every road then no road racing will take place in this country. In the end members of the public stood in the road.”
Read more: > Uber driver almost hits cyclists at British road race
It’s rather fitting that on the same day AC/DC announced what will almost certainly be their farewell European tour, one of cycling’s very own rock stars confirmed that he will hang up his bike for good at the end of the season.
In a statement shared by his EF Education-EasyPost team, Rigoberto Urán, one of the pioneers of the Colombian renaissance in professional cycling during the 2010s, said the “time has come” for him to step away from a sport that has “given me everything in life”.
The 37-year-old, who turned pro in 2006 before going on to ride for Caisse d’Epargne (now Movistar), Sky, Quick Step, and finally EF Education, has won 14 races during his 19-year-long career, including stages at all three grand tours, while finishing second overall at the Giro d’Italia in 2013 and 2014, and at the 2017 Tour de France, and winning silver at the 2012 Olympic road race in London.
(LaPresse)
In 2013, Urán became the first Colombian to finish on the podium of the Giro, cementing his status as a national hero (a reputation he has continued to build through his Jagger-esque looks and rock and roll personality, his TV series, gran fondos, restaurants, and clothing brand), before finishing behind his equally groundbreaking compatriot Nairo Quintana the following year.
“As a cyclist, I believe the time has come to say: we have reached the end,” he said at theTour Colombia.
“It has taken me a long time to come to this decision. It is something I have thought long and hard about. The truth is that it is scary. Cycling has given me everything in life. For almost 23 years, my aim was to get up, eat breakfast, and ride my bike. I was a part of a team that took me to the major races around the world. Now that is going to end.
“I'm going to try to enjoy it, give my best in the races, and race every one like it is my last. This season will be a thank you, a thank you very much. I only have gratitude for the team, for all the people, all the many coaches and many teammates who were always there to help me over the past 20-plus years.”
“I’m going to miss Rigo,” added EF founder and CEO Jonathan Vaughters. “The team is going to miss Rigo. He is the foundation of what we have built.
“Of course, he will thrive in retirement, and I’m sure he will find ways to express his passion and personality away from racing. But we will miss his charisma and leadership. Rigo is a great cyclist, no doubt. But what made him special in our team is that he’s also a great person.”
It may not be Omloop time just yet, but there’s no denying that the 2024 road racing season is well and truly underway.
From Mads Pedersen laying down an ominous marker for the classics at the Tour de la Provence and Remco Evenepoel striking fear into the heart of everyone in Portgual, to Mark Cavendish wiping away any lingering retirement doubts with an early win at the Tour Colombia, an obligatory sketchy February finish at the Clásica de Almería, and some surprisingly interesting racing in the deserts of Oman and the UAE, you can’t say you were deprived of bike racing over the weekend.
⚠️ This is the new course for the #ClásicaJaén, adapted to the rain that has blessed the Jaén fields this week and to the weather conditions expected on Monday, with the safety of the riders as top priority.
ℹ️ Full details: https://t.co/gx3FQR7ZV8
🚴♂️ 158,3 km
📈 2150m + pic.twitter.com/QLrtjAsA3j— Clásica Jaén Paraíso Interior (@ClasicaJaen) February 11, 2024
But, since it’s 2024 and all, it hasn’t taken long for the weather, and the increasingly obvious indicators of climate change, to wreak havoc on this feast of cycling.
Won by an imperious Tadej Pogačar today’s Clásica Jaén – the newish Spanish one-day race famous for its off-road sections and oddly amusing Golden Olive trophy – is set to see Wout van Aert try out his classics chops for the first time this season, in the company of Vuelta-winning teammate Sepp Kuss and UAE Team Emirates phenom Juan Ayuso.
🇪🇸 #ClásicaJaén
Intense rain has forced the organisation @ClasicaJaen to shorten the course and remove some the the sterrato sectors.
The team went on the recon and it’s a mud fest out there folks 😅
🎥: @markdon99#gravel#mud#noshortcuts#prayforourscottfoilspic.twitter.com/Z7v7ZHqzdK
— Q36.5 Pro Cycling Team (@Q36_5ProCycling) February 11, 2024
However, thanks to a few absolute downpours in southern Spain, most of the race’s gravel sectors have been reduced to the kind of muddy tracks Van Aert is more used to in November in the Netherlands – as evidenced by the Q36.5 team’s mechanic-saddening recon yesterday – forcing the organisers to shorten the route by over 20 kilometres and remove four of the eight white (or brown) road sectors.
Meanwhile, this morning’s stage three of the Tour of Oman was also shortened, cutting the planned 169.3km to just 76km, and removing the Eastern Mountain hilltop finish, to “ensure the safety of the riders” after abnormally high levels of rain hit the Middle Eastern country this week.
Paul Magnier wins the modified stage 3 of Tour Of Oman! #TourofOmanhttps://t.co/Nz7gWbQ2L0pic.twitter.com/dYDliSs3Dp
— Eemeli (@LosBrolin) February 12, 2024
Soudal-Quick Step’s young guns won’t mind too much about the shortened stage, however, as former Trinity Racing teammates Paul Magnier and Luke Lamperti combined to dominate on the steep kick to the new finish at Al Bustan, as 19-year-old Frenchman Magnier took his second win of a very promising first early season at the Belgian squad.
Ah, it’s that time of the year when you’re just really not prepared for the sheer amount of bike racing on the telly (imagine hearing me say that back in November), so here’s our helpful round-up of the weekend’s stories that you may have missed while flicking between the UAE Tour and the Figueira Champions Classic…
> Organised crime gang sentenced for prolific thefts of more than £100,000 worth of bikes
> BMC applies to cut hours of remaining staff due to falling demand
> What's the best budget smart trainer? Wahoo Kickr Core vs Zwift Hub One vs Van Rysel D500
I know, I know – local media outlets (and their, ahem, combative comments sections) aren’t normally the go-to place for positive cycling stories, especially those focused on controversial infrastructure projects invariably branded a “waste of money” by frothing motorists.
But Birmingham Live has bucked the trend of the 21st century recently by publishing an article refuting a suggestion made by the Telegraph and the Mail last year that one of the city’s major cycle routes was “barely used” and a symptom of the local authority’s financial “incompetence”.
Last year, the two national papers – bastions of active travel, naturally – ran stories on Birmingham’s cycle highway along the A34 from Perry Barr to the city centre, which claimed that locals have branded it a “shocking waste” just under £10m, while using one photo to allege that the lane “sits empty” with “no use” using it, while causing “gridlock” and traffic chaos for motorists.
“But the A34 highway… is much more than ‘barely used’. In fact, it is one of the most popular cycle routes in the city,” Birmingham Live wrote in an admittedly belated response to the Telegraph’s claims last week.
The site pointed out that, according to data provided by 849 machine learning vision sensors owned and maintained by Transport for West Midlands, an average of 284 cyclists use the route every day, amounting to around 2,000 journeys a week.
That puts the A34 on the Cyclotron cycle counter list just behind Birmingham’s Bristol Road ‘blue’ route (which averages 501 cyclists a day) and the Sky Blue Way in Coventry (385) as the West Midlands’ third most-used bike route.
Cyclists in the comments, meanwhile, noted that – despite the Telegraph’s claims – “traffic chaos” has not been caused by the cycleway, the construction of which did not reduce road capacity for motorists (I’m shocked, shocked I tell ya).
“There would be traffic ‘chaos’ with or without a cycle lane,” wrote localwhinger. “At least now people have some degree of safety when not in their cars, have freedom to choose, and the urban environment is made slightly more pleasant.”
“How many people would drive if Birmingham had one or two safe roads, but to use any of the others was to risk serious injury or death?” added ukpedestrian. “We need many more protected bike lanes and car-free streets so that more people can feel safe while exercising freedom of transport choice. Our roads need to be redesigned so that everyone, not just car owners, can travel on them in safety.”
> New Birmingham cycle lane turned into ‘VIP drivers route’ for Commonwealth Games
“The Cyclotron is a fantastic resource for those of us promoting cycling in Birmingham and the wider region,” Liz Clements, Cabinet Minister for Transport at Birmingham City Council, told Birmingham Live, along with news that a new cycleway on a key route between Smethwick and Birmingham is due to be discussed soon by councillors.
Meanwhile, cycling and walking commissioner Adam Tranter has also promised that 2024 will be a “bumper year of delivery” for cycling infrastructure schemes in the region, with a “raft” of projects set to be rolled out to give people “more choice” in how they travel.
This ‘good cycling news’ angle is quite the jump from previous stories about “useless” cycle lanes in Birmingham, anyway…