What a beautiful day to wake up after a lovely weekend of Paris-Roubaix, there’s obviously not going to be a Jeremy Clarkson comment in The Sun to ruin it, surely?
Oh would you believe it!
Mr Clarkson, perhaps in need of spare change to hire bikes in Copenhagen which apparently left him with a “broken anus” (more on that in a minute), has had a go at Mike van Erp, or commonly known as CyclingMikey, calling him a “sneak” and also claiming that “using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.
At least this time, he hasn’t used AI by the looks of it…
He starts off the piece recognising that van Erp, a Dutch cyclist who grew up in Zimbabwe, was hit by a personal tragedy when he was a teen, when a drunk driver killed his father, and goes on to call him a “social media warrior” for posting videos of drivers breaking laws.
“This unpaid volunteer, who even turns up at court to offer himself as a witness, is doing what the police these days will not do. Enforcing the law,” says Clarkson. “He’s Charles Bronson with bicycle clips. The Equaliser, with saddle sores.”
“So why, then, do I think Mr Mikey is the most dreadful man in Britain today?” Clarkson asks, perhaps referring to The Times article from last year which labelled him as “Britain’s most hated cyclist”.
And this is where the egregious yet banal series of ad hominem conjectures begin. He writes: “It’s not because he has an awful more-in-sorrow-than-anger attitude, remaining stupidly calm while those he’s filmed use every insult in the book to lambast him.
“Nor is it because of his squeaky voice. I don’t even mind that he’s a lefty. It’s entirely predictable that a middle-aged “carer” on a bicycle wants to kick out the Tories. He does a lot of reposting on Twitter about this. Of course he does.”
So what’s Clarkson’s beef? “Well, first of all, most of the people he catches using the phone are stuck in a traffic jam,” he says.
He adds that while it is illegal to use a mobile device while stationary at the wheel, “we all know using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.
CyclingMikey's one of many heated altercations with not-so-friendly motorists... This time he was accused of supporting Chelsea (he doesn't support Chelsea)
Only if Mr Clarkson had done his homework, because, a 2021 research from three experts, hailing from University of Auckland, University of Birmingham and University College London, has showed that “cellphone use while driving distracts the driver from the primary task of operating the vehicle, and puts them and others at increased risk of harm”.
The research adds: “We found that while viewing a cellphone in a concealed position, drivers demonstrated inferior driving behaviour, with poorer control over lane position and speed.”
I think it’s safe to conclude that maybe it’s slightly more dangerous than knitting?
Clarkson, then finally, reveals his agenda against Mikey, saying that “what annoys him the most is that he’s a sneak,” before laying out anecdotes about his school days when the entire school didn’t give him up for “putting Polyfilla in every single one of the school’s locks”. Well, driving with phones and a schoolboy’s mischief don’t sound analogous to me.
Maybe it’s time to ask the same question we asked a year ago, does anyone care anymore?
Pack it up everyone, we have two Jeremy Clarkson posts back-to-back!
The man who apparently has made a name for himself for leading the charge against the “lycra-clad warriors” who are set to bring down “capitalism with their handlebars” (that sounds cool as hell, wish it was true), what does he do in Copenhagen? Well of course, ride a bike, and then get off it. Because, you know, his “anus is broken”…
Ummm, too much information Jeremy? At least that’s what his girlfriend Lisa Hogan thought too, before sharing the video on Instagram for everyone else to see.
Complaining about fairly smooth paved cobbles on the day of Paris-Roubaix? There’s definitely layers of irony to unpack there. As our video production lead Jamie joked, “ Find this bloke some real cobbles!”
“I think you’re meant to be cycling that,” Hogan chides him, with a battered and bruised (and maybe a couple of pints down) Clarkson replying: “My anoose is broken”, walking away to a shocked realisation from Hogan: “TMI!”
I've watched the video an unhealthy amount of times and I can say, it’s the stuff of nightmares. The “anoose” is going to come haunt me in my sleep for days to come. Anyway, it might be a good time to bring this back once again.
Never forget that Clarkson the TV host/columnist is a cartoon character he plays and that he just peddles hate for easy money. What he says and what he does often aren't the same. https://t.co/4Qx96o7JlG
— Real Gaz on a proper bike: gazza_d [at] toot.bike (@gazza_d) March 26, 2023
"Using my bike costs the BBC nothing": Anna Holligan also "set the record straight" over incorrect claims her employer "has somehow indulged me" by paying for it...
Never a bad day to come to the humble realisation that how damn good these pros are at what they do. Anyway, behold the hands of Mathieu van der Poel, the first man since Fabian Cancellara in 2013 to do the Tour of Flanders-Paris-Roubaix double, first man since Peter Sagan in 2018 and only the sixth in history to do so in the rainbow jersey, first man since Tom Boonen in 2009 to defend his Paris-Roubaix title, thanks to a flying 60km solo attack on the brutal cobbles — the joint longest in the history of the competition, all in the fastest Roubaix ever ridden, at an average pace of 47.8kmph.
Now that's what I call crazy.
MVDP's hands after #ParisRoubaix. As if nothing happened... 🦁
📸 Roxanne Bertels pic.twitter.com/336VKI8JhC
— Domestique (@Domestique___) April 8, 2024
While we are doing stats, credit to Alpecin-Deceuninck for a flawless performance, doing everything right and securing back-to-back one-two finishes at Hell of the North, and also becoming the first team in the history of cycling — yes, you read that right, the first team ever to win Milan-San Remo, Tour of Flanders, and Paris-Roubaix in the same year — all for a budget of €16 million!
I knew that double-denim kit was special...
2024 Paris-Roubaix podium (Zac Williams/SWpix.com)
Cyclists have defended Camden Cycle Campaign after an image posted on Twitter by the group showing cyclists sitting inside a cafe as their bikes lay around the tables outside led to a wide range of accusations and criticism online.
A London cyclist, commenting under road.cc's Twitter post, wrote: “Let me be clear. My bike was there. This was 9-10am after Saturday laps before any brunch or lunch rush. Many were sitting outside, and not in the pic and, with the outside bikes as people inside ordered.”
Rory McCarron, cycling lawyer at Leigh Day Solicitors added: “The comments to this are hilarious. I used to go to this cafe regularly post ride during the week. It opens at 8am and there are no punters other than cyclists for the first hour or so. They’re so reliant on cyclists spending money here you even get a cyclist discount.”
Meanwhile Matty said: “I’m sure if anyone wanted a seat on the benches, they’d quite happily have moved the bikes. Given no cycle stands or anywhere else to put them safely, where do people expect them to go?”
Gammons absolutely frothing over this picture.
A) I count 8 completely free tables.
B) Only 2 seats being obstructed.
C) £10 says not a single one of those cyclists would mind someone moving their bike.
D) Only customers are... cyclists 🤷♂️ https://t.co/ctQEob2ByR— The Kentish Town Cyclist (@KentishCyclist) April 7, 2024
Camden Cycling Campaign responded to road.cc's request for comment, with the group’s co-ordinator Steve saying: “There was a lot of hate and bile on X as a result of my post with the hashtag #LondonLovesCycling. I suspect there is co-ordinated 'anti' campaign in response to the LCC London Loves Cycling campaign.
“Camden Cycle Campaign does not want to engage in the so called Culture Wars. I did not reply to any of the haters but for the record there were many other tables (out of shot) that were free should anyone have been looking for a seat outside.
“London really does love cycling - let's spread the love!”
Not only did Lotte Kopecky become the first person to win the Paris-Roubaix with the rainbow stripes this weekend (eat your heart out MvdP), but she also turned into her own mechanic, angrily gesturing at the team car before grabbing an allen key from one of the staff hanging out of the window, and then tightening the bolts on her stem which seemed to have dropped down a bit while coping with the treacherous cobbles.
Be your own mechanic 🔧
Lotte Kopecky tightening her own handlebars to cope with the cobbles 👀#ParisRoubaixFemmes | @teamsdworxpic.twitter.com/HlHib3LaNG
— Eurosport (@eurosport) April 6, 2024
Now that's what I call a proper throwback to Peter Sagan at the 2018 Roubaix. Don the world champions' jersey, fix your handlebars, and then go on to win the Hell of the North.
"Impressive stuff from the world champion," noted the commentators. I concur, very, very impressive stuff indeed!
The DAIMON 'bike-board' - of which one variation is fittingly dubbed the Emmental - is said to do wonders for your pelvic region, with its creators even boasting that you won't need to use padded shorts any more.
We all know that Twitter is a weird echo chamber and it doesn’t take too long for trolls and critics to pile up on something — anything. But there’s a fair share of negative reaction coming all the way of Camden Cyclists, who shared an image of cyclists presumably enjoying some cake and coffee as their bikes lay around the tables outside the cafe, with the caption “Regents Park socialising”.
#londonlovescycling Regents Park socialising pic.twitter.com/o78Bb1iqcw
— Camden Cyclists (@camdencyclists) April 6, 2024
“So a seat for the cyclists inside. And a seat for the cycles outside. But no seats left for anyone else,” wrote one Twitter user, while another said: “Why would you post an image which will piss off non-cyclists even more than you probably do already?”.
There were heaps and piles of other people repeating the same thing, showing concern for all the other customers (not pictured) who would be floundering to find a table to sit.
However, one cyclist replied under the post: “They met at Sunday morning at 7am. Rode for an hour and then had a coffee, giving the Inner Circle Cafe early morning business two hours before anybody else got there.”
Maybe someone should contact the cafe and see if they can put one of those short-use "cafe-style" racks up --- the kind that is one long pole and you hook the seat over it. That would keep everything a bit neater and refute some of the noisier complaints underneath...
— Georgina Wilcox (@GeorginaWilcox) April 7, 2024
road.cc has contacted Camden Cyclists requesting a comment, but I’m interested to know how you all feel about this… Feel free to comment below!
Well that doesn't seem very prudent, does it?
Video creator Sebastian Schieren wrote that it took him a lot of attempts and that he broke two drones, but I'm more interested in knowing how did the cyclist's knee fare through all this...
In an earth-shattering piece of information that’s probably never going to come in handy, we can reveal that Paula Vennells, the former CEO of Post Office during the final three years of the British Post Office scandal which led to almost a thousand posties being wrongly convicted of fraud, is a… cyclist.
Well that’s going to give the rabid folks on social media some lovely ammunition to come at cyclists.
EXCLUSIVE:@Alextomo asks Former Post Office CEO Paula Vennells if she misled parliament.
She’s been seen publicly for the first time since Channel 4 News released damning revelations confirming Post Office management knew of issues with remote access to its Horizon system… pic.twitter.com/6avYHjiIZe
— Channel 4 News (@Channel4News) April 7, 2024
Publicly seen for the first time since it was revealed by Channel 4 that the Post Office management knew of the remote access issues to its Horizon system for several years before the prosecutions were paused, Channel 4 got to Vennells in a clip posted on social media this morning and asked her if she misled the Parliament, as she carried her Specialized bike (bonus points to any reader for figuring out which model, we think it’s the discontinued women-specific Dolce or a Tarmac or Allez) through, wearing a Bianchi lid and an Endura hi-vis jacket.
And the impact can already be seen, with one of our live-blog experts in anti-cycling bingo (no, not Clarkson), the former GB News producer Charlotte Gill, not skipping a beat to fire shots at someone for using a cycle. Lest we remind her of the age-old road.cc tenet: “Not everyone who cycles is a saint.” Certainly holds true in this case.
She would be a cyclist wouldn’t she. Stands to reason. And a vicar. Of course. And an evil lying lefty.
— Darren Phillips (@DarrenP37878903) April 7, 2024
The bizarre incident was caught on camera and widely condemned following the Dutchman's second consecutive victory at the cobbled classic, TV pundit Adam Blythe warning it could have "ended his season"...
While we all were watching Mathieu van der Poel do Mathieu van der Poel things in disbelief at the screen, your second, or maybe third-favourite live blogger was working away to bring you all the live news from the Hell of the North. Yes, our own Ryan Mallon was at Paris-Roubaix, getting up close with the 32mm tyres, monster 62-tooth chainrings, sticky bottles, crazy chicanes, the mighty cobbles, and a fair few bloodied hands (while obviously having the time of his life!).
So in case you missed it, here's the craic from yesterday's race (plus more pictures too!). First up, is the Carrefour de l'Arbre, the last chance of glory and a powerful attack on the cobbles usually. Not this time around though, as Van der Poel had the win in his bag by the time he blew past this section of the pavé.
The calm before the MVDP storm…
Carrefour de l’Arbre, a few hours before Mathieu van der Poel blew by on the way to winning the fastest ever Paris-Roubaix, with the longest solo triumph since Andrei Tchmil in 1994#ParisRoubaix#ParisRoubaix2024pic.twitter.com/pvU8A3OYYO
— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024
Grenke-Auto Eder’s Patrick Casey showing Jeremy Clarkson how it's done on the cobbles.
The hands of a Paris-Roubaix rider!
Grenke-Auto Eder’s Patrick Casey got the full Hell of the North treatment during the junior #ParisRoubaix (not helped by the young Irish rider forgetting to bring his left glove to the race…) pic.twitter.com/qP4p6U3olk
— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024
Misery befalls the younger Tarling sibling too, a not-so-pleasant meeting with the cobbles in the junior race for TT ace Finlay, as his brother, Josh was DQ'd for a sticky bottle.
On the same day brother Josh was DQ’d from the senior #ParisRoubaix for a sticky bottle, fellow TT ace Finlay Tarling – and his Team GB jersey – also enjoyed a cobbled baptism of fire, crashing hard early on, ripping the back of his skinsuit, and losing all his gels to boot… pic.twitter.com/7KStlQDKyc
— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024
And how could we not give you a close-up picture of the dreaded pavé?
Some more pictures (you can thank Ryan later)...
I can understand if you missed cycling news from this weekend, I mean of course, the Paris Roubaix was on! And if you indeed did, your live blog host has got you covered.
> Campaigners hail “historic” EU cycling declaration
> Five-time Tour de France winner Miguel Induráin gets his nicked bike back
> Josh Tarling disqualified from Paris-Roubaix for taking tow from team car (+ video)